Learning to Say No: The Emotional Equivalent of Driving Manual

By DeMonta Whiting, LMFT

There’s a reason setting boundaries feels so hard: most of us weren’t taught how to do it. We were taught to be polite, to be agreeable, to avoid conflict, to not rock the boat. Saying “no” was often seen as selfish or rude. Asking for what we want felt like a risk. And so, over time, we adapted—we became compliant, overly accommodating, and in many cases, resentful.

As a therapist who works with high-performing individuals—people who are killing it in their careers but quietly crumbling under the pressure of “yes”—I’ve come to see boundary work as one of the most vital emotional skills a person can develop. And yet, it’s one of the most neglected.

To illustrate what learning boundaries actually looks and feels like, let me take you back to when I learned to drive a stick shift.

The Stick Shift Story

For most of my life, I drove an automatic. It was easy. Familiar. Predictable. I didn’t have to think too much about it. But I kept hearing about how manual cars offered more control, more responsiveness. And I wanted that. I wanted to experience what it felt like to be in charge—to really understand how things worked and feel confident navigating whatever road I was on.

So I bought a used stick shift. And it humbled me.

I stalled. A lot. Especially at stoplights on steep hills in Los Angeles traffic. There’s nothing like the panic of rolling backward with a car inches behind you and feeling like you have no control. I remember gripping the wheel, sweating, thinking: Why am I doing this to myself?

The answer? Because I wanted to grow. I wanted the confidence and freedom that came with mastering something new. And I knew that wouldn’t happen if I quit at the first sign of difficulty.

So I made myself a promise: I wouldn’t touch my automatic car until I got good at driving stick. For months, I practiced. I stalled less. I got smoother. I started trusting myself. And one day, it just clicked. Driving stick became second nature.

The Connection to Boundaries

So what does this have to do with boundaries?

Everything.

Learning to set boundaries is just like learning to drive a stick shift.

At first, it’s awkward. You’ll stall. You’ll mess up. You’ll say yes when you meant no. You’ll say no and then feel guilty and backtrack. You’ll get caught off guard by people’s reactions—especially if they’re used to you always being available or accommodating. You’ll think, Why am I doing this to myself? It’d be easier to just give in.

But you’re doing it because something in you knows there’s more on the other side of this discomfort. More peace. More control. More you in your own life.

Why Boundaries Matter

Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re not punishments. They’re not about shutting people out. Boundaries are clarity. They help you—and everyone around you—understand what’s okay and what’s not okay. They protect your time, your energy, your mental health, your relationships, and your integrity.

When you don’t set boundaries, you teach people that your needs are flexible, your time is negotiable, and your self-respect has a price.

That doesn’t mean people will intentionally take advantage of you—but they’ll operate based on what you allow. Just like employers often offer the lowest acceptable salary because they assume you’ll take it unless you counter, people often ask or expect what you’ve historically said yes to.

You don’t get what you deserve; you get what you negotiate—in work, in relationships, in life.

The Myth of Risk

One of the biggest reasons people avoid setting boundaries is fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of being seen as selfish. Fear of losing a relationship, a job, or an opportunity.

But let’s be real—how many times have you sacrificed yourself to preserve something that still didn’t work out in the end? How many times have you stayed quiet, been agreeable, and still ended up feeling taken for granted?

The truth is, saying no to things that aren’t right for you opens the door to the things that are. Yes, there’s discomfort. Yes, there are risks. But so is staying in a place that depletes you, that slowly kills your joy, that erodes your confidence.

The only way to know what’s really possible is to try. To speak up. To push back. To drive the car.

Practical Tips to Start Setting Boundaries

If this resonates and you’re wondering where do I even begin?, here are a few steps to start practicing this skill:

1. Start Small

   You don’t need to have a confrontation with your boss tomorrow. Begin by saying no to things that feel slightly uncomfortable but not overwhelming—like declining an unnecessary Zoom call or saying, “Let me get back to you” before committing.

   
   

2. Tune Into Resentment

   Resentment is often a signal that a boundary is being crossed—or never established in the first place. Pay attention to where you feel used, drained, or silently annoyed. That’s your starting point.

   
   

3. Use Clear Language

   “I can’t take that on right now.”“That doesn’t work for me.”“I’d prefer if…”

   Boundaries don’t need elaborate justifications. You’re allowed to say no without explaining your entire life story.

   
   

4. Expect Pushback

   Especially if people are used to you saying yes. That’s not a sign that your boundary is wrong—it’s a sign that it’s working. Stay grounded. Repeat yourself calmly.

   
   

5. Notice What Changes

   The first time you say no and the world doesn’t end? That’s power. Every time you enforce a boundary, you’re building a new muscle. And just like stick shift driving, it gets smoother over time.

   
   

Final Thoughts

If you’ve been living on autopilot—saying yes out of guilt, obligation, or fear—then learning to set boundaries will feel like learning to drive all over again. It will be bumpy.

But it will also be one of the most empowering things you ever do.

Eventually, you’ll look back and wonder how you ever let someone else sit in the driver’s seat of your life.

The goal isn’t to say no to everything—it’s to say yes to the right things. The things that align with your values, your needs, and your well-being.

It’s your life. Drive it like you mean it.